Football Reloaded

Dundee Utd chairman Stephen Thompson faces the biggest test of his brief chairman’s reign so far at Tannadice as he begins the search for a new manager, after caretaker boss Peter Houston ruled himself out of the running for the job vacated by Craig Levein.

Thompson has made a good job of filling the shoes of his late father Eddie, who had his share of managerial disappointments, but now he faces his toughest task to date.

Get it right and he’ll be a hero; get it wrong and he’ll get it in the neck.

United are thought to have a list of eight candidates which will be whittled down to a shortlist of five names in the coming days.

United want a man who has an overview of the entire club, including the new long-term youth development plans put in place by Levein prior to his departure to the Scotland job.

In the future, United, who are as cash strapped as most other SPL clubs, will need to nurture talent through their youth ranks, and the new man will be expected to pay more than lip service to that philosophy.

However, the first and primary duty of any new manager is to win first-team games, and that is what will exercise Thompson’s mind in this crucial appointment.

St Johnstone boss Derek McInnes has many admirers in the game and the compensation levels to lure him to Tannadice might not be as hefty as some imagine.

After a fine playing career, his managerial start has been a sound one. Promotion with St Johnstone, who are currently holding their own in the SPL despite one of the smallest budgets in the league, is testimony to his progress in a short time.

A move for former Hibs boss John Collins would also be a statement of intent by the United chairman, and those who think that Collins would haughtily sniff at the job might be surprised.

He demanded much of Hibs, though, in terms of board ambition and United would need to satisfy him on that score.

Former United player Michael O’Neill has done sterling work at a lower level with Brechin City and Shamrock Rovers and, despite lacking experience of the the SPL, appears to have a bright future in management.

A move for him would be a gamble, but could also unearth a managerial diamond.

Another outside bet could be a pairing of former United men Billy McKinlay and Jim McInally.

Badger, as he was fondly known to United fans has prospered as a coach at Fulham in the Premiership under the stewardship of Roy Hodgson, while McInally has worked wonders with East Stirlingshire, transforming them from Scotland’s worst team to promotion contenders in Division Three.

Both could dig and scrap as players, and if United have a current weakness it is a lack of someone to grab the game by the scruff of the neck on the park. Such a pairing would not tolerate a lack of bite in their team.

John McGlynn of Raith Rovers, though, is still the candidate who ticks most boxes. He’s done a great job at Stark’s Park on a shoestring budget, works like a demon at the game and is seldom away from the ground.

He has worked well with assiatant manager Peter Houston in the past, and would immediatley be up to speed on the playing staff at Tannadice. McGlynn looks like a very strong contender.

It’s a difficult call for the United chairman, a balancing act between finding experience and know-how and ambition and drive to propel the club forward.

The right appointment will see him labelled a hero, the wrong one will give him his first true taste of the fans’ ire.

Who would be a club chairman, particularly when your family have thrown more than half their personal wealth away on the club?

But tough choices go with the territory and in the next few days the United supremo will find that out if he hadn’t guessed it already.

There’s been lots of somewhat meaningless but irresistible waffle about what the best sports event of the Noughties was, hasn’t there?

Bolt’s brilliance, Federer’s dominance, the many conquests of Woods… but for my money you’d have to go a long way to beat the 2005 Ashes. Sport at its best – on a knife-edge, topsy-turvy and the right team winning.

But a new decade begins and my, oh my, what treats we have in store. I’ve being swilling the dregs at the bottom of me Christmas Ale pint-pot and this is what I foresee:

The World Cup in South Africa 2010 is a bonanza of attacking football as Italy get knocked out early.

New mobile technology allows Robinho to quite literally phone in his performance (his form improves slightly) but Brazil surprisingly make an early exit. ITV’s guest pundit Phil Brown goes missing and is discovered naked but still perfectly camouflaged in a crowd of Dutch supporters.
Someone looking particularly orange – and a Dutch fan
England and Holland meet in the final and England are triumphant after the longest penalty shoot-out in tournament history… it takes 42 penalty kicks before someone finally scores. And the man in question, one Emile Heskey, comes home the conquering hero.

Sir Fabio Capello says he’s right chuffed but stands down any road. Stuart Pearce takes temporary charge. The appointment’s on a full-time basis but somehow you just know it’s temporary.

In 2011, Usain Bolt lowers his own 100m record to 9.52 secs and astounds the world by saying he can go quicker still if he stops doing “that silly walking bit at the end. Plus the wellies don’t help.”

Meanwhile in the Large Hadron Collider at Cern, scientists have isolated the particle that can actually bend or contract time. It is called the Fergie-boson.

Following the winning of his first treble in the club’s history, Roberto Mancini is fired as Man City’s boss. The chairman explains that the Italian has “let us all down terribly by blowing the Carling Cup”.

As Mancini gets into his waiting limousine at Eastlands, Jose Mourinho pops out the other side and announces that City have given him carte blanche to bring in who he wants and he’s going to start by buying Valencia. That’s the city, not the half-decent right-winger from across town.

In 2012, all attention is focused on the London Olympic Games. It’s a roaring success despite the disappointing opening ceremony which features a live performance of Jamie Oliver’s jellied eels recipe, Katherine Jenkins singing a Chas ‘n’ Dave medley and a tedious display of supposedly dangerous driving by Top Gear presenters in bendy buses.

On the track, Usain Bolt wins the 100m in 5.8 secs ‘cos he’s learnt a short-cut and Tom Daley just pips Didier Drogba to diving gold.

Tony Pulis and James Beattie misread the programme of events and enter the rowing competition. But the best performance by a Brit comes in the cycling when, following a disastrous power cut, Sir Chris Hoy is linked up with the National Grid and single-handedly keeps the lights on in the Olympic Stadium.

2013 sees the retirement of Sir Alex Ferguson. New manager Laurent Blanc unveils a celebratory statue in front of the Stretford End – it’s a big bronze hairdryer. Hours later the club is sold off by the Glazer family to an internet sportswear billionaire and United fans prepare for life in the Championship. The up side is that at least they’ll be able to renew their old rivalry with Liverpool.

The Ashes are retained by England following their handsome victory in 2011. Skipper Alastair Cook holds the little urn aloft and pays tribute to the 10 South Africans who made the victory possible.

In 2014 global warming means that the Winter Olympics in Sochi are abandoned after two speed skaters very nearly drown on the top bend. Organisers decide they need to find a new venue for 2018 and opt for the dark side of the moon. Despite the lack of atmosphere, Wigan Athletic supporters reckon it’ll be one hell of an exciting venue. And ski jumpers anticipate a few world records coming up.

Arsene Wenger is sacked by Arsenal after he dismisses the first team’s childminder for “giving them too many Haribos and letting them stay up and watch Ice Age 7 (7D) when they had training the next day”. New owner Stan Kroenke insists he gave Wenger a P45 but Arsene says he didn’t see it.
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Brazil win the World Cup on their own patch, defeating Diego Maradona’s Argentina in a bad-tempered final. Crowd trouble starts when He of the Divine Hand is sent to sit in the stands and has a pop at Pele.
Maradona and Pele -best of buddies
2015: The Formula 1 championship is regained by Ferrari, but there’s controversy when tests reveal that their driver – a bloke called C3-D1-X467 – is actually a cyborg. Bernie Ecclestone makes it clear that the result stands and besides, the droid has bags more personality than all the other drivers put together.

Andy Murray wins Wimbledon, beating some 7ft Croatian 7-6 7-6 7-6 in the most tedious final in history. Hurrah.

2016: Rio hosts the Olympics and it’s brilliant. Team GB’s post 2012 legacy leads to one medal – a highly creditable bronze in the archery by some housewife from Saffron Walden. Huzza!!!

2017: Brooklyn Beckham’s fashion football empire continues apace. Manchester United become the first team to compete in the FA Cup Final wearing puff sleeves and embroidered sarongs (and that includes the manager – some Malaysian bloke. Beckham himself scores the winner as United beat the all-conquering Notts County 2-1.

2018: The World Cup arrives and England manager Rafa Benitez pulls a real surprise by naming Kai Rooney in his squad. Kai, the nine-year old face of Gillette, joins all the other really good English players on the bench while Benitez picks some run-of-the-mill naturalised Spaniards to start. Cameroon win the Cup.

2019: Ryan Giggs retires at the age of 107 and is named Sports Personality of the Year. The award is presented to him by that other bastion of fair play and clean living, 2010’s World Cup-winning captain and Stamford Bridge’s tour guide, John Terry.

And following its purchase by a Martian trillionaire, Middlesbrough FC win their first Premier League title. Manager Stewart Downing is delighted and the inhabitants of Teesside are re-named the Smug Monsters.

In the meantime – a Happy New Year to one and all!!

The Noughties are nearly behind us and what better way to bring the decade to a close than by bringing you the best of the sporting quotes from the last five years.

If you missed part one (2000-2004), fear not – just click here to see it in all its glory and to see the best offerings from 2009, click here.

If part one was all about the late, great Sir Bobby Robson, in part two his protege, Jose Mourinho, comes into his own. I could have filled the whole blog with the Special One’s pearls of wisdom but in order to accomodate everyone else, I’ve picked out three of his best.

All that remains is for me to wish you all a Happy New Year and as usual, add your quotes below, plus any ideas about what we’re going to call the next decade – the Tens, Teens?

2005
“A message for the best football supporters in the world: We need a 12th man here. Where are you? Where are you? Let’s be having you!”
Delia Smith tried to rally the troops with her infamous half-time rant at Norwich-Man City.

“We are preparing a special weightlifting plan for Gerrard’s shoulders because we want him to lift a lot of trophies for Liverpool in the next few years!”
Rafa Benitez revealed his plans for captain Steven Gerrard following Liverpool’s stunning Champions League success. Ah the benefit of hindsight – Ed.
Steven Gerrard celebrates winning the Champions League with his team-mates

“It’s like eating an elephant. I can do it, but you have to do it bite by bite.”
Colin Montgomerie on slowly working his way up the world golf rankings.

“He is like Merlin the Magician and Dr Who rolled into one.”
PFA chief executive Gordon Taylor on Thierry Henry.

“It wasn’t a monkey on my back, it was Planet of the Apes!”
Sunderland manager Mick McCarthy after victory over Middlesbrough gave the Black Cats their first Premier League win since December 2002.

“I’ve not been to bed yet. Behind these sunglasses there’s a thousand stories.”
Freddie Flintoff after the mega-bender that followed England’s Ashes triumph.

“I’m going to say hello to two friends who I’ve shut out of my life for the past 10 weeks. So welcome back Mr Guinness and Mr Dom Perignon.”
Ricky Hatton got reacquainted with some old pals after his stunning defeat of Kostya Tszyu to win the IBF light-welterweight crown.

“The only threats I’ve had this week have been from the wife for not doing the washing-up.”
Harry Redknapp on returning to Portsmouth with Southampton.

“I think he is one of these people who is a voyeur. He likes to watch other people. There are some guys who, when they are at home, they have a big telescope to see what happens in other families.”
Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho opened a war of words with Arsene Wenger, claiming the Arsenal boss was obsessed with Chelsea.

“Apparently he was eating a lasagne and somehow pulled a hamstring – it has to be a world first.”
Coventry boss Micky Adams on defender Andrew Whing’s bizarre injury.

“John Toshack said it was my way or the highway – well I’m on the M56.”
Robbie Savage on his decision to quit international football with Wales.

“If Bill Shankly was alive, he’d be turning in his grave.”
Harry, a caller to the BBC’s 606 phone-in programme, after Liverpool’s FA Cup defeat by Burnley.

2006

“I couldn’t be more chuffed if I were a badger at the start of the mating season.”
Ian Holloway was quite pleased after QPR beat Cardiff.

“Snakes on a plane? What’s that all about?”
Talksport’s Andy Townsend, when asked about the film Snakes On A Plane.

“Most managers would give their right arm for a European Cup, and Bob Paisley had three.”
Football Focus presenter Manish Bhasin.

“Where did you get the nickname Dickie Dosh from?”
Ray Stubbs to Walsall manager Richard Money.

“I think he is taking everyone for a ride. It’s fairyland. And given that we are not Snow White and the Seven Dwarves I think that what he did was unsporting and against everything.”
Renault boss Flavio Briatore accused Michael Schumacher of unsporting behaviour to deny Fernando Alonso pole position for the Monaco Grand Prix. Yes folks, that’s Flavio Briatore accusing someone of unsporting behaviour – Ed.

“You have to take it on the chin – or in my case, chins!”
Steve Bruce after Birmingham’s 7-0 thrashing by Liverpool in the FA Cup.

“I’m not married to David Beckham – I’m not even engaged to him.”
England coach Sven-Goran Eriksson on the relationship with his captain.

“The man knows everything about you, what your parents’ names are, your sister’s name, your brother’s name…”
Phil Neville’s tribute to Sir Alex Ferguson.
Sir Alex Ferguson and Phil Neville’s brother
“My dad used to referee me when I was a kid. I remember him booking me – and asking my name.”
Coventry’s Kevin Kyle.

“If he was on fire I’d dial 998.”
Notts County manager Steve Thompson talking about the referee after he sent off two players during their defeat at MK Dons.

“Last week I was so low I could have walked under a door with a top hat.”
Ipswich manager Jim Magilton.

“He must be amphibious.”
Mark James at The Open after Sergio Garcia threw the ball to a person in the crowd with his left hand.

2007

“The style of how we play is very important. But it is omelettes and eggs. No eggs – no omelettes! It depends on the quality of the eggs. In the supermarket you have class one, two or class three eggs and some are more expensive than others and some give you better omelettes. So when the class one eggs are in Waitrose and you cannot go there, you have a problem.”
Jose Mourinho was desperate for Chelsea to scramble a win from somewhere.

“My wife is in Portugal with the dog. The dog is with my wife so the city of London is safe, the big threat is away.”
Mourinho used his post-FA Cup final speech to reassure the population that his runaway Yorkie had left the country.

“I am not the Special One – I am the Normal One.”
New Chelsea boss Avram Grant introduced himself to the media.

“If we’re talking lookalikes he’s Toad of Toad Hall, isn’t he?”
But Ian Holloway had other ideas on what Grant should be called.

“I didn’t know it was the home of golf. I thought the home of golf was where I was from.”
Boo Weekley with his verdict on St Andrews. Weekley hails from Milton in Florida.
The fans loved Mourinho almost as much as he did

“Some players have psychologists, some have sportologists – I smoke.”
US Open winner Angel Cabrera.

“I felt the rear end go down, selected first gear and thought I saw the lolly move.”
Champion-in-waiting Lewis Hamilton on jumping the gun during a pit stop at Silverstone. At least that’s what we thought he was talking about.

“I swear on my mother’s life, my late mother’s life.”
Alex Higgins being interviewed by Stephen Nolan on BBC Northern Ireland.

“I put the tape in and we all found ourselves watching He-Man Masters of the Universe.”
Former world snooker champion Joe Johnson finally decided to watch a re-run of his 1986 triumph and found the kids had taped over it.

“He’s got quite a bit of rhythm to him but you ought to see me on the dance floor in Manchester on a Saturday night with 12 pints of Guinness inside me – he doesn’t even come close.”
Ricky Hatton poo-pooed Floyd Mayweather’s appearance on Dancing With The Stars.

“I reckon he left the club in a much better state than when he took over.”
Text message to BBC 5 live after Leroy Rosenior lasted just 10 minutes as Torquay manager.

“Up front we played like world beaters – at the back it was more like panel-beaters.”
Wigan manager Paul Jewell on a 3-3 draw with Spurs.

“Well I’m the Prince and I’m sort of slaying a dragon – which is something I’ve never done before, obviously.”
David Beckham on his role in Disney’s Dream Portrait ads.

2008

“It was a great result and it might stop people saying Newcastle have not won under Kevin Keegan.”
Keegan after Newcastle beat Fulham to secure their first win since his return. Might, Kevin?

“Charles dreamt I had an affair with Steve Coppell. I said to him, ‘Thanks a lot! You might have made it Mourinho!’”
Cooking goddess Nigella Lawson revealed who hubby Charles Saatchi thought was the man of her dreams.
Nigella Lawson
“God has gifted me with incredible handspeed as a tool to be used – what else am I supposed to do but fight? There ain’t no hand-racing competitions.”
Roy Jones Jr on BBC Radio 5 Live when questioned about the conflicting nature of boxing and religion.

“I am sure we will see pictures of Sam in his Speedos walking along a beach somewhere. That won’t be a pretty sight.”
Wigan manager Steve Bruce after Sam Allardyce was sacked as Newcastle boss.

Leicester fan: “It’s pantomime season out there!”
Leicester manager Nigel Pearson: “Oh no it isn’t!”
During the Leicester-Southend match.

“I’ve got more points on my licence!”
Derby manager Paul Jewell on his side’s meagre points total.

“We scored three today and 99 times out of 10 that means a win.”
Brighton assistant manager Dean White after the 3-3 draw with Cheltenham.

“Brock’s a big bloke, isn’t he? If you found him in bed with your girlfriend, you’d tuck him in!”
Ricky Hatton during the Brock Lesnar-Randy Couture Mixed Martial Arts fight.

“Before (this innings) there was a lot of speculation about me being originally from South Africa…”
KP insisted it was ’speculation’ that he was from South Africa, following a ton against the country of his birth.

“I think it’s fair to say we’re an improving team and a team that’s getting better.”
Everton skipper Phil Neville.

“Over the years whilst fielding at first slip, Dravid almost seems to have developed an ability to stick Kumble’s balls to his hands.”
ABC cricket commentator during Australia-India series.

Gareth Jellyman of Mansfield Town has been sent off, hope he doesn’t throw a wobbly!”
Jeff Stelling on Soccer Saturday.

John Motson: “Bramall Lane is a fantastic place, and I believe one of the only grounds to host an FA Cup final and Test match cricket.”
Mark Lawrenson: “Stay in last night did you, John?”
During Sheffield United v Middlesbrough.

“Paul Harris is a buffet bowler – you just help yourself.”
Geoff Boycott on South Africa’s left-arm spinner.

“He’s a big unit – and if he’s Junior Agogo, I certainly wouldn’t like to meet Senior Agogo.”
Fox Sports commentator Simon Hill during the Australia v Ghana World Cup match.

2009
Here’s my top 12 – click here to see the full list.

“You ask 100 people, 99 will say it’s very bad and the 100th will be Mark Hughes.”
Arsene Wenger after Hughes defended Emmanuel Adebayor’s stamp on Robin van Persie.

“It’s hard in that situation to go down to 10 men.”
England women’s defender Lindsay Johnson after the sending off of Casey Stoney in their Euro 2009 defeat to Italy.

“I woke up yesterday morning, face down on my bed, still wearing my cricket whites and stinking of sweat and champagne. So I think it’s fair to say it was a lively night!”
Graeme Swann partied like it was 2005 after England’s Ashes triumph.
Graeme Swann and Alastair Cook celebrate winning the Ashes.
“Andy Johnson was literally banjoed out of the game by a player who made no attempt to win the ball.”
A bad tackle in a Europa League game was not music to the ears of Fulham boss Roy Hodgson.

“As far as I am concerned there has been no contact with Tottenham – and I know that as I spoke to Harry Redknapp.”
Sam Allardyce regarding the rumoured transfer of Christopher Samba from Blackburn to Spurs.

“I have mostly been eating chicken wings. I only stick to things I can spell.”
Boo Weekley on his eating habits at The Open.

“The cars are separated by eight metres, which is the average size of a Formula 1 ego.”
Martin Brundle on the starting grid at the Monaco Grand Prix.

“There’s no better feeling than getting a century break… and getting one at the Crucible is even better.”
Willie Thorne at the World Snooker Championships.

“I haven’t seen a Madrid side this bad since I managed them!”
John Toshack on the Liverpool-Real Madrid Champions League match.

“Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is knowing not to put it in a fruit salad.”
Brian O’Driscoll when asked about his relationship with England coach Martin Johnson.

“If you hide behind cliches, we’ll be dead and buried by January.”
Falkirk defender Darren Barr brilliantly launched a ban on cliches. With a cliche.

Ted Hankey: “I’ve stopped drinking, so I feel healthier, look healthier and I am healthier.”
Ray Stubbs: “So you’re not going to the bar now, then?”
Hankey: “No – I’m off outside for a cigarette.”
The new BDO darts champion and his healthy lifestyle.

Add your quotes at the bottom of this blog – or email them in using the postform.